BY NJOKI CHEGE
Why does a man cheat? Because he can? No, really, tell me, why would a good man, a God-fearing church going man who sings in the church choir cheat on his wife or girlfriend? Is it because he is a wicked piece of junk that has completely lost his moral compass or because he is a greedy, insatiable human incapable of being content?
There are several reasons why a man cheats, but as a woman, have you ever thought that you could be the reason why your husband strayed? That you could have contributed one hundred per cent to driving him up the wall, so much that he couldn’t take it anymore?
I see you are getting vexed and disgusted, but truth be told, you are a contributing factor to your husband’s philandering ways and I have proof!
You are fat: I like to call a spade a spade, so when I see a fat girl, I will call her fat and not sugarcoat the truth (pun intended). Most married women I know are fat. Children or no children, you have lost your physical attractiveness and you have been reduced to a blob. Rolls upon rolls of fat and flesh jiggling around the city like nobody’s business. I look at some married women and I pity their husbands, asking myself “How do you get turned on by that?” or ‘How do you wash all that?” I understand that the vagaries of life and childbirth take its toll on a woman’s body but, ladies; can you shove this stinking attitude of ‘plus-size and loving it’? It is time women stopped lying to themselves that big is beautiful, that plus size is attractive and that what matters is what is on the inside. To hell with inner beauty! Who gets turned on by inner beauty? Who cares if you have a wonderful heart and a wiggly mass of flesh for a behind? Big is not beautiful. Those tires around your waist are not love handles; they are ugly, unsightly and downright unattractive. Those flabby arms are not sexy at all, they are disgusting to look at and you must tone them! Those stretch marks are not beauty marks of childbirth, they are as a result of your uncontrolled consumption of insurmountable loads of food and you need to stop eating like a pig. A man can afford a potbelly and get away with being assumed as rich but an overweight woman is a disgrace to the womenfolk. Do away with your thunder thighs ladies, they are excess baggage you don’t need. If it has been two years since you had a child and your tummy still wobbles when you brush your teeth then you are a lazy bum who needs to find a treadmill right now. I don’t care if you have a busy schedule or four kids, if you have time to down an entire thermos of uji, then girl, you got time to hit the gym! Stop giving your husbands a tough time by expecting them to look away when they see a woman with a great body pass by when you resemble a baby hippo!
You are an idle nag: You are fat, and then, you are a nag. How difficult can your husband’s life get? Your physical unattractiveness sticks out like a sore thumb and you want to reduce your chances of happiness by topping it up with being an idle nag who cannot leave her husband in peace? If he tells you he is in the pub with wazee why the hell would you bombard his phone with texts and calls asking him where he is? What you need is to get a life, friends, a pet or a hobby. Hit the ground running with projects at work and oh…signing up for the gym is a great place to start. It takes a lot of your time and takes your mind off stuff. A nagging woman, no matter how physically attractive you are, will end up with a cheating husband who is not sorry for straying. For goodness sake, stop going through his goddam phone and will you stop asking who ‘Sheila’ is?
You have no sense of fashion: The first thing you notice about a woman is her fashion sense. Then her face and then her physical appearance. I have seen some of you show up in the office looking like you were run over by a truck. Your clothes are distasteful and ill-fitting and your hair looks like it’s been vandalized by rodents. How much will it cost you to dress well? How much will it cost you to do away with the ugly tent dresses and drab jeans? Are you so backward that you cannot even flip through a fashion magazine or fashion blog to look at the latest fashion trends. How long will it take you to put some lipstick and heels on? I don’t expect you to wear six-inch heels, but what is a woman that cannot sashay and strut her stuff in a sexy pair of heels? Is your life so miserable that you cannot be creative enough to have another hairstyle besides that stinking plastic bird nest you call a weave? Ladies, competition is rife and there are very many attractive women walking around this town. Just because you are hitched with three children does not mean you must squeeze yourself in that sickening faded pair of trousers and flat shoes. Just because you are somebody’s mother doesn’t mean that you can’t show some leg here and cleavage there. Who says because you are a born-again mother of four and devoted wife that you cannot look fantastic and decent in a figure hugging dress?
You are lazy and boring: Let’s face it. Since you got married you have become a boring, dull and gloomy stay-at-home mother and wife whose one and only goal is to raise children. You will be damned if you expect your husband to follow suit. You have lost your taste for fun and your idea of fun is taking the children out for chips and swimming. Your husband does not crave your company anymore and the only place you go together is church, visiting family and friends. You let your husband go alone for jogging or to the gym and you think he will not cheat on you with the chic that reminds him to go for jogging? If you are not your husband’s recreational partner, then somebody else will be. A pretty young thing that understands there is more to life than sitting at home watching Nigerian movies and Corazon Indomable (soap opera). The truth is, if your husband doesn’t find you fun to be with, don’t expect him to find you sexually attractive.
So there you have it, if you are fat, lazy, boring, unstylish and a sickening nag, need I tell you more why he’s been sexting Sheila?
Adopted from Njokichege