Relationship guru, Dr Christ Hart thinks that drawing up of lists of the kind of men women want to date means that most of them fish in the same pond. Consequently, there is a lot of sharing going on. Shirley Genga sought to find out why and his views on infidelity.
Many people are often curious about your marriage. Is it all that blissful?
Marriages are worthwhile. People get cynical about it but it can be wonderful and a rewarding union. I believe everyone is happiest when they find a partner to share their life with, someone who loves you and supports you every step of the way. I have that.
You are in your second marriage. Why didn’t your first one work?
I believe that marriages have a lifespan of 20 odd years. At some point, you start to drift apart usually in your 40s or 50s, especially once the kids are grown.
Is there hope in marriage? Yes. Our brains are wired to cheat, but if you look closely you will find that the happiest people are married, and have only one partner.
Tell us about your wife?
Her name is Caroline Akinyi Hart. We have been together for 10 years now.
She is a Kenyan and a second Dan Black Belt martial arts instructor. She also teaches self-defence classes for girls. What I love about my wife is the fact that she is honest, has good values and is dependable, motivated, driven and hard working. And pretty and sexy of course!
Tell us about your family? I have three children; two, Robert and Rachel, from my first marriage that lasted 20 years. They are now independent and have given me six grandchildren. I have one other young daughter called Hermione Ruth Maia and I also look after some stepchildren.
What is the biggest problem in marriages? Lack of communication.
Is there a solution to these communication problems? Yes. For example, a mother knows how to train her toddler certain behavioural patterns without resorting to argument.
And you can do the same thing with your partner. Isn’t that manipulation?
No. You can get your partner to do what you like without necessarily nagging them or getting into a fight. Being in a relationship is all about understanding and influencing one another, and ignoring certain things because some fights are not worth having.
How does this come into play?
It all depends on how we were brought up, our personalities and what we have been exposed to. The trick is finding out what influences your decision and working on that.
Why is infidelity so rampant in the Kenyan?
Would you marry a short or fat man? Would you marry a lazy jobless man, or drug dealer? When women make lists of the kind of men they would date, it adds up to 40 per cent of all the men! And so in countries like Kenya, 100 per cent of the children are fathered by only 60 per cent of the men.
Which means that a lot of women are sharing men. Infidelity and polygamy is really all about the difference between rich and poor. So, polygamy is driven by economics. And if you want to stop polygamy, work on the economy so that there is full male employment.
What of the rise of single women in the Kenya?
It is a trend worldwide brought about by urbanisation and education of women. Women today are having children and getting married later. While our grandmothers were married with children by age of 17, that is not the case anymore.
I believe that if you are a woman and you reach your mid 30s, you should evaluate your life and decide whether you want to be married or you are choosing your career, and then make decisions that will get you where you choose to be. Any tip on cracking the dating code? Perhaps it is in my book called, Single and Searching.
How long have you been in Kenya? Since 1998. I came in as a management consultant for eight weeks. Luckily, my contract was extended for two years. The rest, as they say, is history.
What is one of the greatest weaknesses in Kenya? We tolerate too much corruption.
Do you cook? Yes, but not skilfully. My wife does not mind it. So an evening where I prepare the meal usually goes well for me!